Happy Memorial Day! Leave it up to America the Judgeiest to distract from the day by coming up with something to get fired up about that is none of the their business.

An open letter to all of you judging this gorilla sitch:

As a mother (specifically as a mother of a strong willed boy who is the same age as the child at the zoo) I am confused.

Am I supposed to stop helicoptering and let him grow wings (because at 4 years old he should be off the boob and able to make the tough calls)?

Am I supposed to put him on a leash and pray you don’t take my picture and blast me online or call CPS for “walking my kid like a dog”?

Am I supposed to ignore my other kids because the same kid who loves to prove how big he is says he is going to… I don’t know, do something absurd like jump in a damn gorilla pit?

Am I supposed to not have so many kids because I obviously can’t handle it? I mean it was my choice, wasn’t it?

Or should I just never leave the house because the world could just be too dangerous?

What about this grilled hotdog I am eating to celebrate the troop’s sacrifice? Am I supposed to instead pretend I am celebrating the MANY animals who were killed to make that tasty wiener? Should I give up meat now because those animals were more important than me being fed? Are they less important than a gorilla? I forget because I never leave the house and my brain hasn’t been used for more than common core math homework in years.

People get mad because I protect my special snowflake who gets participation awards, but at four years old he is supposed to know how to be Mowgli because he watched The Jungle Book a few times (I know, I know… screen time, ugh!).

Oh wait, I was supposed to know that when a FOUR YEAR OLD wants to get into a gorilla pit he can easily do it within seconds. They are quick, but damn that kid was faster than all those witnesses around him! Maybe he should be getting more than a participation award…

Wait, did none of you do some stupid stuff AT LEAST once as a kid? It was just me and every other kid I ever knew? Our parents were obviously terrible then. But why when I bring up car seat safety I am overbearing, overprotective, and we all somehow survived before? Good thing we never went to the zoo… Oh wait, we did. I am sure we just always listened to our parents when we said we were going to do something obviously dumb but our kid minds thought we could totally pull off. We listened right?

According to Facebook the gorilla was watching him more than the Mom anyway.

Please if any of you wonderful people could pass on your parenting manuals to me I would appreciate it. I mean, I read some books but this was never covered in “What to expect: The toddler years”.

For all of the childless judges in the audience, let me try to see your point too. If you were ever to have kids (your birth control options are becoming limited by the day, so start thinking about it) you would NEVER allow your kids to support these awful animal prisons, so that is that. Obviously the gorilla was seeking reparations for it’s oppression or it was seeking the love it had been denied being taken from it’s mother as a baby. Obviously. But for arguments sake, can I put this in terms you may understand? You know that friend Jill? The one who when you are out drinking you all keep an eye on because you know she makes poor choices when drunk and could legit find her way into a serial killer’s car? So you keep an eye out because you are the most responsible? But then that song comes on and you closed your eyes for a minute to power belt that shit and then there she goes! Or what about that guy Johnny who always says he is okay to drive, but you know isn’t so you (who would NEVER drink and drive) call him an Uber. He says he is just going to go pee, and you know he wouldn’t do something so stupid… But sure as hell, he took off! I know you are not your friend’s keepers, so these situations are totally not the same as being in charge of the safety and well being of a child. You do have a dog though (which is totally like having a kid) and he always listens to you and never eats cat poop or digs a hole out of the yard and takes off. So obviously you have a good basis for an opinion on this one.

Also, who are we boycotting here? Is it the zoo for being advertised to families, but clearly only meant that grown adults can handle themselves? Is it the parent who obviously made a choice that we with our superior parenting skills would have never made (we are all after all experts on raising each others children… It takes a village y’all!). What about Disney for making the child believe that animals are obviously snuggle worthy? For that matter, shouldn’t we talk about Jane Goodall and her obvious agenda to get kids to believe that deep down we are all Koko the kitten? Maybe the kid was up to date on his baby sign language? If he wasn’t, we should totally file suit against the school systems too.

Where does it end?

Happy Memorial Day, btw. Land of the free and whatnot.

*Note to self (and anyone else who got this far): I love animals, I love kids, I love parents, I love zookeepers, I love your dog, and your friend Jill. I don’t love judging. Neither did Jesus btw, so y’all need to get that straight with him.

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